In the beginning...

So, this is where I will share my story as briefly as possible. During my very early teen years, I was invited to a church camp. If you have ever seen the documentary "Jesus Camp," that is the type of church camp I attended. While there, I firmly believed that I had found God. That one week had such a profound impact on me that it would set the course of my life for the following 15 years.

Throughout my adolescence, everything in my life was about God. I was extremely active in my church youth group, spending at least half of my evenings at church for one reason or another. I ensured that the majority of my close friends were Christians...and those who weren't Christians, it was my goal to make them become Christians. I studied the Bible ravenously, taking detailed notes, which I organized into binders. I prayed, and I fasted regularly.

There was also considerable pressure in our youth group regarding "the call." Many Christians believe in this thing called "the call," which just means that God has told you that you are to be a full-time minister. As a teenager, this call was an extremely positive and serious matter. It wasn't long before I began to feel that I was called into the ministry.

After graduating from high school, I went to Bible College to pursue what I believed was God's call to ministry. It was a horrible 4 years of my life, and I daily dreamed of the day that I would graduate and move on from that time in my life. That's not an exaggeration. The only thing that kept me going was the fact that every day, in the shower, I would imagine myself walking across the stage at my graduation. While I was very interested in learning about God, I wasn't very interested in theology. Yet, that was what I was studying all day long.

Finally, graduation day came. I then worked as a children's pastor in a church for several years and, for the most part, I enjoyed it. I really enjoyed working with the children and with families. Over those years, I developed a strong interest in psychology. I had some developing interest while in Bible college, which lead me to do some reading on the subject in the years after I graduated. This interest grew over time and finally reached the point that I decided I would take a couple of classes in psychology. I had no intention of leaving the ministry or anything at that point. It was just something to pursue out of personal interest.

That first semester I took statistics and The Biological Basis for Human Behavior. Statistics was rather boring. But, my other class was so fascinating. I fell in love with behavioral neuroscience that semester. I also experienced the planting of a seed that semester...a seed that would take many years to take hold and blossom. I had been taught that evolutionary theory was absolutely ridiculous and had no evidence whatsoever to support it. My class that semester referred to evolution very briefly, but enough so to catch my attention. I also began to see how much our biology influences our behavior. I had viewed humans as spiritual beings housed in a physical body. What I learned in that class heavily contradicted that view in many ways. For the first time, I experienced some doubt regarding my beliefs. They weren't doubts that I took very seriously at first. But, in time, they grew.

The following semester I took Research Methods. That class was as life changing as my week of Jesus camp. It all just made so much sense to me, and it felt as though something that had been sleeping deep inside me for years had finally awakened. I made the decision to leave the ministry and to pursue a degree in psychology full time. I wasn't planning on permanently leaving the ministry, though. I believed that upon completing my education, I would return to the ministry, but would do more counseling, etc.

But, during this time, those tiny doubts had gotten just a little bit bigger...just big enough to become bothersome. For the first time, I began to consider that my faith wasn't actually correct...I felt pretty sure that wasn't the case...but, the possibility was finally there in my mind. I decided that since I was going to school full time, I would take the time to study evolution so I could make a decision about it once and for all. I took a class called Genetics and Evolution and entered the class with no expectations either way. Either I would see that evolution was indeed silly and unsupported or I would see that it is a valid theory that really does have evidence supporting it. I had no idea which direction it would go. By the end of the semester, it was clear that the latter was the case.

It wasn't so much that I decided "evolution is true, therefore, Christianity is wrong." What really struck me was that I had been taught so strongly for many years that evolutionary theory was a completely baseless theory designed by scientists to deceive people into turning against God. It became quite clear that that was just not the case. Yet, I had believed that that was the case for a long time without really researching the matter further. I began to wonder what else I had put my faith and belief in simply because I believed the person that told me rather than investigating the issue first. It was that idea that made me begin to question my faith entirely.

I spent a couple of years feeling as though I was a small boat in a huge ocean being tossed about uncontrollably by waves from all directions. My whole world was shattered. Everything that I had believed about myself, about the world, and about life was thrown into question. If my faith was true, could I ever go back to believing it as solidly as I had before? If my faith was not true, how could I begin my life again without living in total devastation? I prayed and prayed that God would grant me faith. I sought counsel from Christian friends and leaders. But, I was ultimately left with no real answers.

Over a long, long process that lasted about 5 years, I finally reached the point in which I could renounce Christianity permanently. I had feared that my life would lack meaning or that I would never have peace. I have found just the opposite. My life is so much more satisfying and fulfilling. I began to fully embrace life for the first time after turning from Christianity. I have more respect for myself and for other people. I have a greater appreciation for what I have and experience in my life each day. Not knowing what happens after we die has pushed me to savor every moment in my life and to fear wasting any of them. I have become a far more moral person and have gained a much, much better (as in, not ancient) understanding of morality, ethics, and human nature.

And I continue on in my education studying behavioral neuroscience. After taking Genetics and Evolution, my love for biology was extremely clear, so I added that component to my studies...and I am loving every minute of it. For the first time, I feel that I am truly following my dreams and becoming the person that I really am. In other words, I feel that I have finally discovered myself...and that is well worth the journey.